– written by Kate Darling –
Starting out as a sub might seem scary – engaging in play from a submissive position can be a vulnerable experience. However, there are steps you can take to feel more confident exploring submission, in a way that is exciting, fulfilling and safe.
- Figuring out Likes and Limits
One of the most important steps in starting play as a sub is to clearly establish what you enjoy and what your limits are, both for yourself and for your (potential) partners. A good Domme will ask about these before you start, but bringing it up yourself shows knowledge and initiative. If you’re new to submission, you might not yet know what you will really like or dislike yet. You might want to consider starting by saying something like “I think I might enjoy … and I probably won’t enjoy …”. Watching porn or reading erotica is a good solo way to explore kinks you might want to try. Feel free to check out my offerings to get a sense of some activities that can be part of domination (though D/S related kinks are a vast category and there are many more interests than just the ones I offer).
It is good to mention to your Dominant if you are new to submission, so you can both prepare to actively communicate during play. Using a safeword, or the traffic light system (where green means ‘yes, I enjoy this and want more”, yellow means ‘let’s pause, I need a moment’ and red means ‘we need to fully stop play and check in’) can come in handy in the heady and intense moments of play, where forming full coherent sentences may take longer than usual. You may also find establishing non verbal cues – such as tapping on a neutral part of the other person’s body – helpful.
It can be intimidating to talk about your needs, but there is no benefit to anyone in you doing things you don’t like or make you uncomfortable. A good Domme will aim to understand your boundaries and needs, but no one can truly learn and understand them if you yourself do not know. Communicating these will help avoid unwanted situations, and guide your sessions in a direction that you actually want.
Be wary of those who seem to seek you out because you’re new or inexperienced! This is manipulative. Your safety and wellbeing are absolutely crucial. More on finding the right Domme in point 3.
- Understanding Aftercare
Many submissives find that during play or a scene, they experience a rush of adrenaline from the mental and physical stimulation. When play concludes, the thrill and adrenaline have the potential to result in an emotional crash (sometimes called “sub drop”).
Aftercare is a term that refers to a number of actions that a Dom/me can perform to help a sub transition out of play. These can be anything – from physical affection (such as cuddling or hair stroking), providing water and snacks, or just having a chat. Any Dom/me that says they don’t believe in or don’t practice aftercare is irresponsible and should be avoided. Every Dom/me has a right to have certain things they don’t like or don’t do, but providing some form of care after play (especially intense scenes) is one of the most important responsibilities of a person who dominates others, and is standard practice.
To figure out what kind of aftercare you like, consider what activities make you feel most calm and soothed. It might be practical actions like being offered water and a blanket, or having a conversation with your Dom/me about how the scene felt. This helps stabilize your mood and adrenaline after a session.
- How to Find and Vet a New Potential Dom/me
Now that you have some idea of what you like, what style of Dom/me or play you enjoy and what your limits are, you’re probably excited to find someone to play with!
Some good places to look for play partners are dating apps, kink/fetish websites, forums or local munches (purely social events for those interested in kink).
Another route you may want to consider is hiring a professional. The laws in your area might impact the availability or offerings of local Dommes, but pretty much every big city has Dommes working professionally. Before contacting someone, be sure to read their profiles fully, and approach with an understanding of their rates and offerings. As with any other professional service, it is rude to ask for discounts, haggle, or attempt to get more than you pay for.
( Articles about the benefits, do’s and don’ts of hiring Dommes coming soon. )
Either way, remember to approach this process with respect and a lack of entitlement. No one owes you play, a response or even their attention. Handling rejection with grace and humility is crucial in being a good kinkster, a good submissive, and a good person.
Now, regardless of whether you’re finding a Domme in your personal life or to hire, it’s important to choose someone who is skilled, responsible and communicative. The right Domme will excite you, while still looking out for your wellbeing and safety.
Here are some important things to look out for, good and bad.
| Red Flags | Green Flags |
| – Immediately uses very intimate or degrading pet names towards you before you know each other well. – Tries to Dom you before getting to know you and your likes and limits. – Constantly interrupts you, only talks about themselves and doesn’t listen to you – or – interrogates you, shuts down any questions about them. – Doesn’t ask about your likes or limits, doesn’t talk about safewords. Dismisses aftercare or says it’s not their responsibility. – You feel rushed, uncertain or genuinely fearful. | – Speaks to you with courtesy and curiosity upon introduction. – Wants to know about your likes, limits and boundaries before any play.Establishes safe words or signals before play. – Doesn’t rush to get into a scene with you before you’re ready. – Understands the importance of aftercare.You feel understood, safe and considered outside of roleplay. – Establishes whether you’re a compatible match before play. Discusses safety protocols and testing if applicable. |
- Lastly – Take it easy and have fun
All of this information may seem overwhelming, but no one is expected to know everything from the start. Start slow, be curious and have fun. At its core, why do you want to be a submissive? Seeking the answer to this question will guide you towards the kind of play you want.
The kink world is a rich one, with much to explore. What aesthetics, outfits, dynamics, feelings, toys, concepts excite and invigorate you? This article is only a leaping off point for further research and understanding. I challenge you to do further reading, searching and thinking to assist your journey.
As long as you remain respectful, direct and stick to your limits, you’ll always be a good kinkster, and a good sub.
Some notes –
– While Domme is often used to refer to specifically female Dominants/Dominatrixes, in this article Domme refers to a dominant person of any gender.
– This article has been written from many years of experience, and looked over by other professionals and kinksters. I would especially like to thank Goddess Lila Raine, on twitter/x as @itsgoddesslila
– All advice is context dependent. Use your best judgement and be safe.
Recommended further reading
– A Beginner’s Guide to Sexual Submission
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexual-submission
– A Beginner’s Guide On How To Be A Good Submissive
https://www.yourtango.com/experts/alayna-kelly/beginners-guide-submission
– BDSM Experience & Curiosity Checklist (good long list of BDSM activities – very extensive!)
Darling Miss Kate 
Leave a comment